And just like that…

the work week is over.

Four days off again. 🙌🏽

I’m not going to lie—I am really loving this schedule.

I don’t even mind working the weekend doubles when I know I have four days waiting for me on the other side.

But this weekend?

Whew.

It was a very anxiety-driven weekend.

One of my residents has been struggling with a lot of anxiety, and when she spirals, it can be really difficult to bring her back down to reality.

I spent a lot of time trying different things—redirecting, changing the environment, breathing techniques, calming music, reassurance, and just giving her that extra attention when I could.

I also gave some suggestions to her family, hoping that some of them might be helpful. They are very holistic and natural-supplement focused, so I’m hoping we can find some things that work for her within the approaches they are comfortable with.

But the reality is, when someone is really spiraling, it can be incredibly difficult to get them back to a calmer place.

And trying to provide that one-on-one attention while the rest of the unit is having its own set of behaviors?

That’s tough.

I was definitely grateful for having an extra nurse the other night.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you need another set of hands until you have them.

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And then there was another loss this week.

I lost a resident.

That makes five residents on my floor since I started here in January.

There have been others on the other unit as well.

But this one hit a little differently.

I had a lot of my firsts with this resident.

He gave me my nurse’s rite of passage.

There are certain residents who become part of your experience as a nurse in ways you don’t expect.

You learn from them.

You remember them.

And sometimes, they are there during moments that teach you things nursing school never could.

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Dementia is hard.

It can be heartbreaking to watch.

It can change so quickly, and it can show some really difficult sides of a person and of this disease.

And then one day, they’re gone.

And you’re left processing it while still having medications to pass, residents to care for, documentation to finish, and another shift waiting for you.

That’s the part nobody really prepares you for.

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So yeah…

It’s been an off weekend, to say the least.

It honestly felt like I was living through a little fever dream.

And now I’m sitting here at the end of the night wondering:

Was I good enough today?

Did I do enough?

Could I have done more?

I know I can’t answer every question tonight.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll look back and realize I handled more than I gave myself credit for.

For now, though, I’m trying to settle my brain down.

Four days off are waiting for me.

I just need to actually let myself be off.

So tonight, I’m going to find something to distract myself, turn my nurse brain down as much as possible, and remind myself that I showed up.

I cared.

I tried.

And sometimes…

that’s enough for today.

Scrubs and Side Eyes
— Just trying to keep it together one shift at a time.