I walked into work today expecting a regular shift.

I did not expect to walk in and find out that our newest resident had passed away.

She had only been with us for about a day and a half.

One day you’re admitting someone, learning their routine, trying to get to know them, figuring out what makes them comfortable…

and the next day, they’re gone.

This is the part nursing school doesn’t really prepare you for.

Sure, we learned about death and dying.

We learned the clinical side.

But nobody really prepares you for standing there thinking:

Okay… who do I call first?

911?

The medical examiner?

The supervisor?

The manager?

The director?

The on-call provider?

The family?

Everyone needs to be notified, but who comes first?

And then there are the things you don’t necessarily think about until you’re standing there.

Do I provide post-mortem care?

Do I get her cleaned up and presentable for her family?

What happens when rigor mortis has already started?

She was stiff.

I knew what was happening clinically, but knowing the clinical terminology doesn’t necessarily make the moment any easier.

And because this was an unexpected death, it was a surprise to everyone.

There is something surreal about having to switch from “this is my resident” to “this is a death that now requires a process.”

You’re grieving in a way, but you’re also working.

You still have other residents who need you.

You still have medications.

You still have documentation.

You still have behaviors happening on the unit.

And today, those behaviors definitely felt a little more than usual.

Restlessness.

Wandering.

Exit seeking.

Nothing I couldn’t manage, but it was definitely one of those days where my brain was already operating at full capacity.

And then you add an unexpected death to the middle of it.

My nervous system has basically been on high alert all day.

I’m almost at the end of my shift now, and honestly, I don’t think my brain has figured out how to come back down yet.

It’s been a lot.

But this is also part of nursing.

The part that doesn’t always make it into the textbooks.

The part where you have to keep functioning even when something emotionally heavy just happened.

The part where you have to take care of everyone else while you’re still processing what you just experienced yourself.

I’m still learning.

I’m still figuring out how to navigate these moments.

And I think that’s okay.

Nursing isn’t something you suddenly master because you passed your boards or received your license.

There are going to be moments that teach you things no exam ever could.

Today was one of those moments.

My shift is almost over.

I’m going to go see a couple of friends after work who have been through this before me.

People who understand without needing a long explanation.

Tonight, I think I need that.

So I’m calling it a wrap.

The unit survived.

I survived.

And tonight, I’m going to let myself step away from being the nurse for a little while.

Tomorrow is another day.

Tonight, I just need to breathe.

Scrubs and Side Eyes
— Just trying to keep it together one shift at a time.